Is it OK to say “it’s just how I am” instead of changing a behaviour?
One of the wonderful things about life is that we have will. We can choose what we align with, including the belief that we don’t need to change. But where does that lead us?
Most of us feel, at some point, a pull towards changing a behaviour we know is no longer serving us. There is often a small voice within that recognises when something feels out of alignment. A voice that understands what love, honesty, and care feel like — both towards ourselves and others. That voice can be ignored. Buried. Defended against. But trying to stay comfortable does not make truth disappear.
I often ask clients a very simple question when reflecting on behaviours that continue to create pain, harm, or just unfavourable outcomes: what are you really getting from this? If it were a product bought off a shelf, most people would probably ask for are fund. Because in many cases, the behaviour delivers the opposite of what they truly want.
I worked with a client recently who recognised they were quick to anger. Over time, we uncovered how anger had once acted as protection for deeper hurt he experienced in childhood. Back then, it served a purpose. But years later, that same well-worn response was damaging his ability to feel heard, connected, and safe within his relationship. Eventually, he reached a crossroads. He could continue identifying as “just a guy with a short fuse”, or he could explore a different way of expressing himself. The anger itself did not magically disappear. But by becoming aware of the behaviour around it, he learned to communicate his feelings in a way that was more collaborative, honest, and empathetic. The result was no longer harm, but healing — for himself, his partner, and the relationship.
This is where people often get stuck. Changing a behaviour can feel like changing who you are. If a pattern has become tied to your identity, it makes sense that defensiveness would arise around it. But what if the behaviour was never really you in the first place?
What if it was something you learned, adapted, or carried in order to survive certain experiences? And what if changing the behaviour actually brought you closer to who you really are, rather than further away from yourself? So much of self-help focuses on fixing or improving ourselves, which can quietly reinforce the idea that we are the problem. But in both my personal and professional experience, growth often feels less like becoming someone new and more like shedding what no longer belongs.
Remember that little voice I mentioned earlier? What if that voice is actually the compass? The clearer we become around our inner truth, the harder it becomes to hide behind “it’s just how I am.” Instead, change starts to feel less like self-rejection and more like a return to ourselves. This is exactly why relationships matter so much. Relatonships reflect back to us what we cannot always see alone. Sometimes lovingly. Sometimes painfully. But often honestly. There are behaviours that can soften. Patterns that can shift. Ways of relating that can become more loving — towards ourselves and towards the people around us. And perhaps that possibility is far more powerful than simply staying the same.
